S.1 E.10. Wednesday 04/17/2019 You Know All My Secrets
Andrew prepares basketball star Lamar Hayes for his first playoff game on Saturday. Lamar has a history with one of the referees and he's having some relationships issues with his actress girlfriend.
Season 1 Recap:
Fergus secretly plots Andrew’s demise from prison. The Beck family mourns the death of patriarch Ted Beck, but childhood wounds between Andrew and Brandon still fester. Andrew reluctantly agrees to give a speech at his father’s memorial ceremony on Saturday. However, Andrew has other matters on his mind, mainly how to tell Sandra he has a gambling problem when last week’s events have her ready to leave him. Andrew connects with his patients, and Gina tries to get Andrew to attend a Gambler’s Anonymous meeting before he loses everything he has worked for. Lorry tries to keep Fergus and his henchmen at bay while she takes over The Five Iron after successfully conducting Operation Phoenix.
Episode 10. Preview
Andrew prepares New York Black Knight Basketball Star Lamar Hayes for his first playoff game on Saturday. Lamar has a history with one of the referees and has gotten fined for comments to him. He struggles with communication issues with his new girlfriend and famous actress, Janice Cooper, while she is going off to Europe for her next film and will not be around for the playoffs. Lamar flips the tables on Andrew and presses him to talk about Ted’s death and how it has affected him. Andrew feels he has revealed too much and gets nervous, but Lamar comforts him while teasing his doctor.
Andrew put Reggie’s ball underneath its protective cover and wondered what life would have been like if he got to play baseball instead of golf. As his mind fantasized about a professional baseball career at second base for the New York Tides, he glanced over at is calendar on his iPad and saw John’s scheduled appointment that he missed this week, and his stomach tightened.
In a knee-jerk reaction, he called Gina.
“Did you get through to JP?”
“He didn’t pick up,” she said, “but don’t worry, I’ll get him.”
“Thanks, Gina.”
“How was Robbie? She lost her shit against Argento last time?”
“Yeah, I reminded her of that. She uses her rage to keep her focus, but that burns through adrenaline.”
“I know the feeling. When I caught an elbow or a kick, it pissed me off too. That adrenaline starts to surge, and then I’d go in for a tackle and hit too hard. Even if I got the ball, I was the one called for a foul, and if I missed the ball because I was too amped up, then it was a yellow card for sure.”
“Exactly. I understand the focus that anger can give. When I got pissed off while playing competitive golf as a kid, usually at my dad for some comment or insult he gave me after a bad shot. I would get quiet, go inside, and then use my anger to explode on the ball. But that didn’t always work. I’d hook or slice the ball, which led to more criticism or abuse from Ted. Then I figured out how to push the anger out, take a breath, get my head back, forget about the slight or the shot, and focus just on this one shot. That was the secret of my success in golf. I recovered mentally.”
“I bet that makes you a very good poker player, too?”
“Yeah,” Andrew said, feeling a burn in his chest.
Gina added, “And since you don’t feel the negative emotion trigger anymore, it makes you feel you don’t have a problem, right? There is no emotional high or low that you are feeling anymore?”
“Why is everyone psychoanalyzing me these days? Jeez?”
“Maybe because you need to get to a meeting. That reminds me, tomorrow there is a meeting at 5:30 pm near the office.”
“No, I can’t. Lamar’s first playoff game is tomorrow.”
“You’ll make it in time.”
“C’mon, Gina.”
“Andrew! I’m not fucking around here! I’ll walk you to that meeting myself, but Dios Mio, you’re going!”
“I got everyone bossing me around these days, too!”
“Well, if we are all saying the same thing, we can’t all be wrong.”
Andrew sighed loudly.
“Mira, Miho, admitting you have a gambling problem is huge, especially for someone with your brains, talent, and your profession. But nowhere does it say on your diploma that you have to be a perfect person, that your trauma isn’t valid. Now you need to get help.”
Andrew knew she was right. The burn of his pride mixed with the shame felt like someone punched him in his chest. He found breathing difficult; his chest burned, and his face flushed. He fought through the tightness and took a big breath as he said softly, “You’re right. I have a problem. I’ll go to the meeting. I promise.”
“Thank you, Andrew.”
“Thank you for…caring.” His voice cracked on the last word.
“You’ll get through this. One day at a time.”
Andrew was choked up, and words were getting stuck in his throat. He could only let out a hoarse “Yep.”
There was silence on both sides of the phone for a few seconds before Andrew said, “I’m…I’m gonna call…” He cleared his throat. “Lamar.”
“Okay,” Gina said gently.
Andrew clicked off his iPhone, got up from his big black leather chair, and walked around his home office. It was a mini version of his office of Beck Sports Psychology on the 28th floor of the Historic Hamilton Building at 135 Central Park West, overlooking Central Park. It was complete with some of his favorite sports memorabilia and framed letters from early patients that he helped get out of their heads and back to their winning ways. His home office overlooked his small backyard, neatly landscaped with a few Sugar Maples and White Ash trees trying desperately to spout new leaves in the mid-April Spring.
After a few short laps around the office and moving his arms in a circular motion as if he was warming up to do some pull-ups, he took several deep breaths and let them out fast, a “power breathing” exercise he did when he felt tension building up in his body.
When he felt calm, he plugged his AirPod Pros into his ears and asked Siri to call Lamar Hayes. Andrew rubbed his face while the phone rang.
Click here to read about Lama’s midnight therapy session
“Yo, what up, D.B.?”
“Hello, Lamar. Thanks so much for your message the other day. It…it was really touching, and I wanted to thank you.”
“Not a thing, D.B. Like I said, I know what it’s like to lose a dad, and you got me, and I got you. And I’ll be at the Memorial Ceremony for Ted this Saturday.”
“Wow, Lamar! Don’t you have a game Saturday night?”
“Yeah, but so what? That’s what teammates do for each other: they show up. Like I said, I got you.”
“I really don’t know what to say, Lamar. This is above and beyond, thank you.”
“And I got this new Gucci, black velvet double-breasted suit I’ve wanted to sport out. It’s a funeral, so break out the black, you know what I mean?”
Andrew couldn’t help but laugh.
“You know, Lamar, from anyone else, that would be a messed-up thing to say, but it’s you, and, yeah, I do know what you mean.”
“What? What did I say?”
Andrew continued to laugh and then changed the subject.
“Hey, congrats on scoring 36 last night, closing out the year, and getting your bonus!”
“Yeah, I wanted to score 40 two games in a row, but they pulled me with six minutes to go.”
“You ready for the playoffs tomorrow night?”
“Yo, man, I am so ready for Boston! After the shit they pulled last game, I want some revenge.”
“Revenge? What do you mean?”
“No, not like that. I mean scoring points, banging boards, dominating them. I ain’t gonna get in a fistfight or go all Poplov on them.”
Andrew winced audibly.
“What? You see what that crazy Russian did to Teddy Newsome? Fucked that boy up.”
“I saw. He’s not crazy. And Newsome hit Chris Kruder with a cheap shot, and Vlad responded.”
“Vlad? You guys on a first-name basis?”
Andre quickly changed the subject to redirect the conversation.
“What happened the last time you faced Boston?”
“Yo, D.B., remember how they were banging on me all night? Every time I went inside, I was getting fouled and had no call. Fucking ref’s man. They had it in for me.”
“C’mon now, Lamar, ‘the ref’s had it in for you’?”
“Yeah, that ref Kyle Kirby, he’s always messing with me.”
“Wait a second. Isn’t Kirby the one you got a $25,000 fine for harassing him?”
“Yeah, that’s him. After I was getting mugged with no calls, all I said to him was that his middle name must start with K, too.”
“Why did you say that?”
“That’s what he asked, and I said to him that would make you the KKK of refs. Cause you never call shit on the white dude pounding me all night.”
Andrew tried to stifle a laugh.
“Lamar, you cussing out the refs will never help you get calls.”
“Yeah, but it feels good at the time.”
“What did we talk about when you get triggered by a bad call or a no call?”
Lamar sighed deeply and said, “To wait, not react, and breathe and then tell the ref politely…” he accentuated the “politely,” “that I disagreed with the call or tell him I’m getting fouled, but say it without yelling at him.”
“Well done, Lamar.”
“Yeah, but KKK is such a dick.”
“Lamar, I’m only going to say this once. You want a ring, or you want to be right?”
“Motherfucking ring, D.B., I want that motherfucking ring.”
“Can you see it on your finger? Close your eyes and see it! See it on your finger, feel its weight, see the jewels sparkle, and feel what it is like to have that Basketball League of America Championship ring after having the best playoff run of your life. Breathe into that.”
Lamar took some deep breaths and let them out.
“I feel it, D.B. The New York Black Knights! Fucking world champions! I feel the ring, baby. We are going to do it. This is our motherfucking year!”
“I believe you! The way we get that ring is we don’t react; we recover and respond with our play, not our mouths.”
“Yeah, I got you.”
Andrew let Lamar sit with the feeling for a moment, and then he continued.
“Great. Moving on. How are things with you and Janice?”
Click here to read about Lamar’s date with Janice and childhood traumas
“Good.”
Andrew waited for a few seconds, but nothing followed.
“That’s it, good? Not like you to be short on words.”
“Aw, man. I think she has a movie coming up and may have to go to Europe or some shit.”
“A movie? Well, this is an opportunity for you to support her career.”
“I know, I know. Just that, you know, playoffs. It’s the motherfucking playoffs. Be nice to have my girl there cheering for me. You know what I mean?”
“I do, Lamar. I do. How long will she be gone for?
“I don’t know!” He said, agitated, but then took a moment and quieted his tone. “Six weeks, I think.”
“Okay, what about this? If you sweep the Boston Waves, the number eight seed, I’ll go to Coach Cohen and try to get you a 48-hour pass to see Janice, 72 hours if you win MVP.”
Lamar’s attitude immediately brightened.
“Now that’s what I’m talking about. You would do that for me?”
“It's not just for you, Lamar; it's for Janice, too. I’m sure she’d love to see her man, and I’m sure she is broken up about missing the playoffs. Did you talk about that with her?”
“Nah, I can’t let her see that it would upset me. She would think I’m weak.”
“Lamar, I’m gonna stop you right there.”
“What?”
“Saying you want your girlfriend’s support isn’t weak. You’re showing her you care and want her to be a part of your life, win or lose.”
“Yeah, but D.B., it’s only been like a week since we been together. I can’t show her that.”
“What’s wrong with showing you care?”
“She’ll think I’m a simp. I’m a baller, bro, fucking MVP, I ain’t no simp.”
“Lamar, showing you care is part of intimacy. Do you want to be with her long-term?”
There was silence on the line for a few moments.
“Yeah, D.B., she’s…she’s wonderful.”
“She’s no dummy, right?”
“She’s super smart.”
“Okay, so an intelligent, sensitive, emotionally mature woman will know when you are sincere and just trying to get in her pants.”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe what?”
“Or maybe she’ll think I’m weak because I need her at the game.”
“Do you need her?”
“No, it just be cool, you know?”
“And that’s how you say it. You wish she could be in the stands tomorrow night, but you understand she must also go to work. Then pause and wait. I’m sure she will say something about missing the game. Then, talk about her film, her role, and what she is doing. Then, after game three, when it’s three games to zero, you tell her that if the Black Knights sweep Boston, you will try to fly over to see her…if she’s free.”
“Yeah, I can try that.”
“That's great. I appreciate you being open to feedback.”
“Yeah, that’s what we doin’ here, right?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, D.B., can I give you some feedback?”
“Of course.”
“You don’t sound too broken up about your pops dying in your arms. I’d be a fucking mental case. Whoa, sorry, bruv, but you know what I mean.”
Andrew was surprised by the question. He anticipated feedback on the therapy, not Ted. His mind went blank, and his body went numb.
“Well, um,” he struggled, “I guess I’m in professional mode right now, and I’m not really in my feelings.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“Which part?”
“In your feelings part.”
“Oh, simply that I am actively listening to you. I am trying to get you where you can perform at your highest level, on and off the court. And while I am doing this, I’m not really thinking about how I feel.”
“You can do that, just shut your shit down?”
“Well, yeah.”
The thought never occurred to him that he turned his feelings on and off as much as he did. From early childhood, between Ted's abuse on the golf course and Brandon’s abuse in the home, Andrew realized how much he had to compartmentalize his emotions. Be it after a bad shot or a beratement from Ted, Andrew shut down his emotions to hit the next shot. When Brandon took the frustrations of his lack of attention from his father out on Andrew, there was not much he could do but cover up, strike back, or run away. Although he dreaded the beatings, he understood them, but what hurt him more than the punches was that he felt his brother hated him. That always made him more sad than anything else.
Andrew continued, “I’ve been out of sorts for the last few days, that’s for sure, and this morning, I saw my mom, and as I was leaving, I saw my dad in an urn. He was cremated. I didn’t even notice he was there until I left.”
“Cremated? Wow, fuck, how did that feel, seeing your pops like that?”
Andrew chuckled, “You playing therapist now, Lamar?”
“Naw, man, just us talking. But it was a ‘D.B. question, wasn’t it?” Lamar said with a tone of satisfaction.
“Yes, it was.” Andrew chuckled.
“See, I’m learning, bruv, I’m learning.”
“Yes, you are.”
Lamar’s tone got stern, “Then answer the motherfucking question.”
But Lamar couldn’t hold in his laughter and cackled and added, “I’m just fucking with you.”
Andrew laughed, too.
“I guess it was hard to process because I wasn’t ready for it. He died in my arms. I saw the EMTs cart him away on a stretcher, motionless, under a white sheet. Next thing I know, he’s in a metal urn. So, how do I feel? I feel sad and somewhat relieved.”
“Relieved?”
“Yes, my dad was very abusive. Who he was in public was not who he was in private.”
Andrew felt a thump in his stomach. He revealed too much and panicked. “Lamar, you gotta promise me you can’t say anything to anyone about what I just said.”
“Yeah, okay, okay, I wasn’t going to say nothing.”
“Lamar! Promise!”
“Yo, what the fuck, D.B., chill, bro. I ain’t gonna say shit. This is bro talk, man. We ride or die with this shit.”
Andrew let out a big sigh and said, “Thank you. Very few people know this about Ted. It’s kind of the family secret.”
“Fuck D.B., you know all my family secrets.”
Click here for Lama’s backstory
“Yeah, I guess I do.”
The two men laughed together.
“All right, that’s enough sharing for today. I’ll be watching you tomorrow, Lamar. Have a great game, and call Janice and talk to her like we said.”
“All right, I got you.” He paused. “You take care now. And I’m going to open a can of whoop-ass on Boston.”
“I will, and you play smart, keep your head about you, and don’t let the refs get to you.”
“Okay.”
“And call me after you call Janice do.”
“Got you.”
“Oh wait,” Andrew realized who he was talking to. "if it’s after 8 p.m., call me the next day.”
Lamar howled with laughter as he yelled, “Peace!”
Andrew tried to break through the laughter. “Lamar, I’m serious.” But he hung up.
“Damn it, he calls me again at two in the morning, Sandra’s gonna have my head. Jeez!”
Up Next!
S.1 E.11 Take Me Out To The Ball Game
With John Palmer refusing to return to therapy or take Andrew’s calls, Andrew takes matters into his own hands and attends a Tides baseball game when John is pitching. Accompanying Andrew is his best friend and noted pediatric surgeon, Dr. Marcus Carr. Marcus, a former college star baseball player, relives his glory days while confronting Andrew in his preparation for the speech he has to give at Ted Beck’s memorial on Saturday. Marcus reminds him to put his harsh feelings for his dad aside and remember who he is doing this for.
Author’s Note:
We have made it to double digits! With four episodes left for this season, I want to thank everyone for coming on this journey and exploring this medium to share my work. It’s been an exciting way for me to share my story, and it’s great to have these weekly shares.
I have to say, I love writing Lamar. He’s one of my favorite characters and he is the only one of Andrew’s patients who enjoys therapy. It’s the only place he can let his guard down and be himself, his real self, his non-baller self. So many athletes have this on-field persona, that suppresses the wonderful people they are.
I’ve seen in several of the shows documenting athletes like “Receivers” on Netflix how they are on the field is different than who they are at home. They adopt this super confident, over-the-top personality to perform at the highest levels, but in reality, they are homebodies, play video games, and mess around with a musical instrument or DJ'ing equipment.
Lamar is dealing with his bifurcated personas for the first time, and now, with his first real relationship with a woman he admires, he has to get real with her, too, and it scares him. Being vulnerable in front of a woman scares the bejesus out of most men. Suppose we have experienced our vulnerability getting weaponized against us. In that case, we lose trust and are reluctant to show anything but confidence all the time for fear of her losing interest in us.
Lamar’s relationship with his mother (established in Shock & Denial) set him up for mistrusting women and not wanting to show any kind of vulnerability…ever! So, it will be an interesting challenge for Andrew to help Lamar stay positive during the playoffs and keep his budding relationship intact while she shoots a movie in Europe.
Again, thank you to my Advance Reader team: Marsha, Shelly, Gareth, and Mike, for their feedback on this episode.
Enjoy!
Chris K. Jones
Great episode, Chris! And this line really resonated with me: "I understand the focus that anger can give." So true...but not always in our best interest. I think the Australian tennis player Nick Kyrgios lives off this. But it's also cost him games, fines and sponsorships. I do like him though, because he's been open about some mental health struggles he's had. Humanizes him, in my mind.